Dragonfire

This has been a thoroughly terrible season so far, but thankfully Dragonfire tries its best to pull it back from the brink. The setting is a lively shopping district on the imaginatively-named Iceworld, populated by the hustle and bustle of aliens coming and going. While it still has a slightly silly feel with a sprinkling of slapstick here and there, Dragonfire is a good old-fashioned adventure, going after a mythical dragon and his treasure, exploring caves with a old map, and uncovering a three-thousand year-old mystery. It has a good sense of fun and even Sabalom Glitz returns for some more mischief.

Kane’s frozen base of operations.

Kane is a cool villain (quite literally) with a heart as cold as ice. He casually murders a whole bunch of people after chasing them into a boobytrapped spaceship. It’s strange that no-one comments on that afterwards. Kane’s death is unexpectedly brilliant as he melts in front of an unfiltered window, in a scene eerily reminiscent of the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I wonder how that got through in a kids’ show!

Nightmares.

Dragonfire introduces new companion Ace, a 20-century Earth girl who got pulled into some sort of time/space vortex that landed her a waitressing job in Iceworld. Appropriately her real name is Dorothy – perhaps she should have tried clicking her heels together? I’m not convinced she’s that much better than Mel just yet – their scenes together are a bit “Grange Hill” for my liking, and I reckon her catchphrases could grate. Brill or naff? It remains to be seen. Still, I’m definitely glad to see the back of Mel, but her exit comes out of the blue. She’s just… had enough? If she actually had some character in the first place, it might make more sense. A total non-entity, purely there to fill a void and scream. Good riddance.

The ice caves look cheap and repetitive, but what can you do?

Dragonfire has a few issues, certainly. The actual ‘dragon’ monster itself is decidedly ropey, looking like somebody cosplaying the alien from Alien. The literal cliffhanger at the end of part one is inexplicable, but McCoy does good physical comedy and the expressions on his face are priceless. It’s a solid story overall, if a little rushed towards the end, and shows some genuine promise. A shining ice crystal amongst a season of tepid water, then.

What a strange mess to get himself into.

Delta and the Bannermen

One awful serial is to be expected now and again; call it a slip in judgement. Two in row is an anomalous accident, perhaps. But three absolutely awful serials in a row? This can only be by design. For one reason or another, the powers that be have turned Doctor Who into a very strange, very silly, programme, which this time seems intent on mimicking an episode of Hi-de-Hi. That is, if Hi-de-Hi was set in Wales and had alien bounty hunters in it. I’ve probably made that sound far more interesting than it actually is.

The Nostalgia Tours “space bus” hits a satellite and crashes. Oh, what japes!

I’m not adverse to comedy in sci-fi – in fact, some of my favourite Star Trek episodes are ones that don’t take themselves too seriously. Unfortunately, this era of Doctor Who just isn’t funny. I think laughed once, and that was when one of the (awful) American characters says “we’re in Wales… in England”.

Ken Dodd as the toll master, because… well, why not?

There are hints of seriousness, of war and genocide in a far away galaxy, as if somebody is trying to inject a bit of serious drama into the show, but it’s all at odds with the overall ‘campy’ tone. Even when the bus-load of alien tourists is blown up, it’s almost played for laughs and then forgotten about. The characters are paper-thin caricatures (although I must say, “Ray” gets by on good looks and a sexy accent – she should have been the new companion, darn it!). The Doctor has a fairly good confrontation with Gavrock in which he pushes his luck in a rather endearing way, but that’s about it. I quite like this new Doctor, but it’s so frustrating not letting him sink his teeth into a meaty role. Speaking of meat, Gavrock chewing on a big lump of the stuff is really quite disgusting.

Gavrock misses an opportunity to drastically improve the show when he spares Mel’s life.

It’s just so bad, it’s painful to watch. The music is absolutely awful. Some of it is rubbish cover versions of fifties songs, and then there’s the use of the “Devil’s Galop” during the chases, which does nothing to help the naffness of the thing. And the bit with the green baby – oh my god, what were they thinking? And Queen Delta can communicate with bees or something? What? THIS IS COMPLETELY STUPID!

Did it just grow a green onesie or is that supposed to be its skin?

I have almost nothing good to say about this one at all. I think we’ve just struck solid Low, buried fifty feet underneath Lowtown, in Lowestoft. Let’s keep it down there and forget this whole thing ever happened.

Paradise Towers

Paradise Towers isn’t quite as awful as Time and the Rani, but it has its own set of problems. It’s arguably a lot more disappointing, because it has elements that show promise. The cyberpunk-esque setting and hints of war and disaster elsewhere paint a rich science fiction canvas. The enclosed setting of the tower building has allowed for a self-contained culture to develop. Unfortunately, it’s been filled with excruciatingly silly cartoon characters.

The Doctor shows the ‘Kangs’ how to use a vending machine. Mmm… fizzade.

Gangs of kids are never fun to watch singing, chanting and mocking. Admittedly, their use of language and names is somewhat imaginative, but the performances are painful. Then there’s Mel’s tea break with Tilda and Tabby – oh my word, these scenes are diabolical. It’s one part kids’ comedy show, one part weird horror (again with the cannibalism; give it rest, writers!). What with the music that frequently sounds like it’s from a soap opera, it creates completely the wrong atmosphere (unless the intended atmosphere was of a soap opera version of Dredd / The Raid!). The thing is, it could sort of be weird enough to work, but then someone like Pex turns up and all hope is lost. Not to mention the Chief, played by Richard Briers, who hams it up throughout, putting on a performance that goes from Blakey from On the Buses to a gurning robo-zombie. Just so, so awful.

Mel enjoys some tea and crumpets with Tilda and Tabby, who then try to eat her. I can’t help but think they’d be better off just eating the crumpets. This whole scene is seriously WEIRD.

The one element of humour that I think actually works is the rules and regulations that all the caretakers abide by. Panicking patrols having to call out ridiculously long numbers just to report in is the sort of satirical humour that works well in science fiction, but it is completely overplayed, and the Doctor’s escape by faking the rulebook is unbelievable.

Why does a cleaning robot need a drill and a circular saw?

Further, the robot cleaners are pathetically unthreatening, looking like a group of Robot Wars rejects, the ‘action’ is laughable, Mel is excruciating, and the silly tone turns a potentially interesting premise into a joke. This is not Doctor Who’s finest tower.

Time and the Rani

It had to happen eventually. CGI has invaded Doctor Who. I’m sure the title and Tardis sequences were absolutely cutting edge in 1987, but that shiny computerised Tardis looks awful compared to the stunning model photography from the previous season. I hope they don’t rely too much on these ambitious but dated digital effects. I kinda like the new logo, but the less said about the Doctor’s creepy winking face, the better.

I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to have a regeneration sequence without the original actor being there, but they put Sly McCoy in a wig and did it anyway!

Doctor Who’s downward spiral into misery continues, and Time and the Rani is quite possibly the low point of the whole show up until now. It contains so much badness that I had to keep notes on all of it. Amongst the mind-boggling awfulness is the Rani putting on a wig and pretending to be Mel to fool the amnesiac Doctor. One Mel is bad enough as it is (particularly in this story where she seems to have a screaming addiction), but the Rani pretending to be her is bafflingly stupid and further reinforces the idea that this is barely pantomime level of drama. The only thing that could top it would be somebody shouting “she’s behind you!”.

I mean, where did the Rani even get the wig and clothes from in such short notice? How did she know the Doctor wouldn’t remember her clearly? What a bloody stupid plan!

Pratfalls, slapstick ‘comedy’, mistaken identity and a bizarre wrestling match between the Doctor and Mel, all make for terrible viewing. The Rani’s plan is insane, too. Apparently, amongst other things, she’s unhappy with the evolutionary direction that Earth took after the dinosaurs were wiped out, so she wants to erase the worthless humans from history. To do this, she requires genius humans pulled from history. What.

Duh, me brain not think so good.

It’s a script that has a lack of thought put into it. It may be nitpicking, but at one point, the Doctor breaks out of his prison cell using a secret code. The code is the Rani’s age, which the Doctor knows because it’s also his age. Now, a sensible writer would have made it an unchanging number like the year of their birth, not their age, which is entirely relative to the year that it currently is and the timeframe that they’re both from. What are the chances that both time travellers would be operating in sync like this? It’s bad enough when villains turn up from any point in time ahead of when they previously appeared, but this is just extra lazy.

It’s not just Mel who has awful clothes, the Lakertyans’ are an eyesore too.

I’m struggling to find anything of value in this serial. Okay, I suppose some of the music is quite exciting, if a little overbearing. The tripwire exploding ball things are also pretty cool. And those bat-like creatures… yes, they have that “man in a suit” problem and look ridiculous, but I like that they’ve got eyes all around their head and their vision superimposes all the images together. Nice touch.

In such a daft story, the blood-sucking bat-monsters are almost incongruent.

I suppose the only good thing about all these problems is that any issues with the new Doctor are sidelined. I must say, though, that going from an extroverted loudmouth in a clown costume to a small mumbling Scotsman who looks like a Batman villain is a change that will take some getting used to. At times, I struggled to hear what he was saying. I did enjoy his self-loathing and mixed metaphors, though. I wonder if they’ll remain his “thing”.

The Trial of a Time Lord (The Ultimate Foe)

The Ultimate Foe brings this trial of a Time Lord to an end, and not in quite the way I had expected. Yes, the Valeyard is trying to frame the Doctor, but I didn’t imagine there would be a conspiracy to cover up evidence that ran all the way to the top of the high council, nor that the Valeyard would be a manifestation of the Doctor’s dark thoughts, from a post-twelfth regeneration future. That fits quite nicely with the upcoming 50th anniversary special – perhaps they’ll mention it?

In a part of the matrix that looks like a sand dune, an image of the Valeyard confronts the Doctor.

The mysteries from the previous stories actually are explained, which is surprising! The valuable data Glitz was after was leaked from the Time Lords’ information matrix, and the planet Earth was pushed away and disguised as Ravolox to cover it up. To help his defence, Glitz and Mel are brought back to corroborate the Doctor’s story, by none other than the Master. It’s quite a reunion they’ve got going on, fitting for a season finale.

Peek-a-boo! The Master reveals he’s been watching the entire time from within the matrix. The supposedly impenetrable, impossible to corrupt, matrix.

Most of the story takes place inside the matrix, where the EvilDoc/Valeyard is hiding, plotting to assassinate the judge and jury with a wibbly-wobbly matrix energy something-or-other. It does get a bit silly, with them waiting around in Popplewick’s office, being exposed to illusions and the Doctor being hypnotised by the Master. It’s not exactly a tidy conclusion, and the appearance of both the Master and the Valeyard as ‘villains’ (and both Glitz and Mel as companions) only clutters things further. Alas, it is a fairly forgettable mini-adventure, and it would seem the Valeyard isn’t defeated anyway, laughing maniacally prior to the credits rolling.

Despite ostensibly teaming up for the greater good, the Master still uses the Doctor as bait.

As this is the final story to feature Colin Baker, I was expecting him to be injured at the end and forced to regenerate, but it never happened. In fact, the whole way through this trial, I had expected a forced regeneration as his sentence (much like at the end of The War Games) – instead, the judge drops all charges because he saves their lives and the Doctor and Mel just leave. Meh, fair enough.

The Valeyard’s deadly plan is foiled when the judge and jury duck.

Regarding Mel, then. Her pantomime performance is a poor replacement even for Peri, but the weirdest thing is how she’s introduced. She’s from this Doctor’s future, so from her perspective they met in the past. But this is the first time the Doctor has met her. Presumably, then, he will have to take her back to her own time, then travel back to an earlier version of Mel who will then meet the Doctor for the first time? Goodness me, that’s messed up. Oh, and the explanation of what “really” happened to Peri is pathetic. Married to King Yrcanos, who she found creepy? C’mon, I’d rather she died! What a lame cop-out.

Another creepy mask reveal. The Valeyard takes some lessons from the Master by disguising himself as Mr. Popplewick.

Well, the trial wasn’t a total waste of time. Thematically, the “ultimate foe” being the Doctor himself is quite cool. I also enjoyed the Doctor’s epic rant in the courtroom about the corruption of long-lived societies, proclaiming the Time Lords to be more evil than Daleks, Sontarans, etcetera. Colin Baker may be a bit one-note in his performance, but when that note is ranting hysterically, he does it with flair. However, I will have more to say on the sixth Doctor shortly.

The Trial of a Time Lord (Terror of the Vervoids)

The prosecution rests. It’s now time for the Doctor to present his defence, and he’s given control of the matrix viewer to show a more favourable adventure. Weirdly, the one he chooses is from the future, something he hasn’t yet done. Now, this is an intriguing concept because, surely, if the Doctor actually has further adventures in the future, it must mean that the trial ends in his favour… otherwise he’d be dead, no? No doubt a society so entrenched in the mechanics of time travel has many legal precedents for this sort of situation, and yet nobody actually brings it up. The adventure is accepted as fact, and is therefore valid evidence.

The starliner Hyperion III nearly flies into a black hole.

Terror of the Vervoids is a murder mystery story set in space. In that respect, it’s similar to Robots of Death, but it doesn’t really have the same quality of memorable characters nor interesting themes, nor creepy atmosphere, nor quality of production. It’s not bad, per se, but it has a certain silliness to it. The Vervoid creatures are actually pretty creepy, or as creepy as plant men with flower heads can be, I suppose. There’s also a hijacking subplot that comes out of nowhere and leads to pretty much nothing. That said, I quite like the design of the Mogarians – just a shame we had to see their actual faces by the end of it. The resolution was a bit bleak – no coexistence between plant and animal can ever work? It’s thought-provoking, but surely it could be approached from a more optimistic angle.

Bill and Ben.

What becomes apparent during this story is that somebody is definitely tampering with the evidence. At this point, I’m inclined to suspect foul play from the Valeyard, who is probably trying to frame the Doctor for something. Whether this ties up with the mysteries from the previous stories remains to be seen, but the Doctor nevertheless has to continue with the evidence as presented, only objecting where the facts deviate.

The Mogarians play some sort of Galaga variant. This would have looked cutting edge in 1986. I thought it looked quaintly retro. Funny how things change.

Since this story is set in the future, the Doctor already has a new companion, the permed and perky Mel (played by Bonnie Langford). Their relationship is pre-established – that is, it’s implied they’ve been travelling together for a while at this point. This seems like a cheap way to drop a new actress into the show without having to introduce her first. The sixth Doctor is not exactly a character you would volunteer to travel with, but will we ever see them meet? Is that still to come? This is… weird.

Between them, the Doctor and Mel have more hair than even the Tardis can contain.

I’m getting a little bored of this trial now. Thankfully, it’s about to be wrapped up in the next story, and then I’ll have a verdict of my own.